Jul 12, 2016 11:39pm (Sara)
Sometimes the feeling of being out of control is wonderful. Like roller coasters, sledding, falling in Love, and (in my case) surfing. It can make one feel truly alive yet vulnerable. Vulnerability isn’t always a negative experience and can lead to the humbling of the arrogant or offer the wonder of mortality to the daredevil. Vulnerability can help in the grounding of the dreamer. Grounding…not meant to extinguish a dream but to pull the foundation of the goal closer to the Earth so that it may be put into the plan….so it can be more than just a wish. Feeling out of control is a growing experience; it is the organized feeling of the chaos we are surrounded by.
Feeling out of control can also be terrifying. It can be sickening and maddening. Someone’s unstable or diminishing mentation, substance abuse, waiting on diagnostic evaluations, losing a loved one, not knowing what is wrong with your child, politics, laws that don’t make sense. Cancer. Feeling like you don’t have any control over something can be frustrating…feeling like you don’t have control over anything can sometimes be debilitating. I often dream that I am falling. Off cliffs. Out of planes. Down dark holes. I’m not ignorant to the idea that this is my brain feeling out of control. I don’t say it much out loud because I suppose I don’t want to surrender to it. Like I don’t want to admit it even though I don’t really feel bad about feeling out of control. I mean…of course I feel out of control. My child’s white blood cells randomly mutated to produce a mass amount of wasteful cells that ultimately crowded out her red blood cells and platelets…and couldn’t even fight infection. Now she needs 2.5 years of poison to find every last tiny mutated white blood cell so it doesn’t come back. No reason for it. As I’ve said before it was just a giant crappy shot in the dark. Terrifying.
We all know life is precious; it is a gift we get to live for an indeterminable amount of time with amazingly wonderful souls…on this incredible planet. While we all know life can be swiftly taken from any of us…we can get so caught up in it. It is beautiful and ugly at the same time. The best and the worst part about being a human: we feel too much. I feel way too much for my own good but I’m not mad at it.
In light of recent current events, I have felt more out of control and angry lately…for many reasons. As a 34 year old, I have completely surrendered to my sensitivity and understand that I will react in ways that might be dramatic (unfortunately posting on Facebook doesn’t really satiate my need to express my anger…I think I need a punching ball in the garage). I’m angry at those that do me, my family, my friends wrong or threaten our safely in any way. I cry and ache for families searching for answers…answers that may or may not be easy to hear…or even possible to fathom. I hold my friends’ hands when they get bad news and I cry tears of joy with them when they win. I can’t stand the politics right now yet for some reason I find great distraction from the shit show. The shootings, the hate, the discrimination, the hunger. From my eyes, cancer or not, this world is going through a tough transition and I hope…I have to believe that it is a growing pain.
As for my family….we are surviving. The feeling of control has been absent for a while now but I’m learning to adapt. I have cried while giggling at my childs bald head because it is the softest thing I have felt since her bottom as a newborn. She is darling. It is also a little hard to accept and adjust to. I’m not gonna lie…there is something seriously alarming about a bald, naked three year old – stick thin with a protruding belly from steroids staring at me while I’m sleeping at 1am. It was scary enough when she had hair…
The chances of us making our 9:30am appointment in Oakland on Friday are pretty dim. Maya’s ANC was only 390 on Friday and it needs to be close to 750 on Thursday for us to even consider driving over the hill. Fingers crossed for a fast recovery these next couple days. Maya’s spirits are higher than I ever expect them to be and she shows no signs of missing her hair. She is NO HAIR DONT CARE with her cousin Liam.
Thanks for being there. Even when my brain is out of control and just needs to get things out.
Love is Life.