May 16, 2016 10:59pm (Sara)
It’s a very odd thing to realize that, I think, Maya’s hair is sort of growing back. It is definitely thinner than it was 3 months ago but since that first week of Consolidation (the one infusion of vincristine) she really hasn’t lost any more hair. In fact I don’t really even see an abundance in her comb like I was seeing last month.
I think it is odd because it’s confusing; we have been told hair loss is inevitable. I guess I just thought it would slowly fall out and one day realize that it’s gone. I wasn’t expecting this period of growth among all the chemo. I think of this with two hearts. One heart is grateful. I’m happy to be able to braid her hair still. I am happy to be able to put a sweet clip in her hair still. I am happy to see her curls. I am grateful because it has given me the opportunity to reflect on the idea that my soul, too, can grow among the darkness. The dragon, yet again, teaches me to be strong, find peace, and prevail.
The other heart is sad. This halt in hair loss makes me feel eager, impatient, and sad. Part of me feels like “let’s just get it over already”. I wish we could all just take the loss, cope, move on, heal, then grow again when it’s able. I know it’s just hair but it is a change that I believe we will all need to get used to. This is the selfish part of me, I know. There is also the issue of her beginning to deny that her hair will fall out now. I feel like she might think we have been tricking her. I’m not really sure how to help her cope and accept something so abstract as this. She’s smart, even “advanced”, but she is still three.
I got to see Maya’s bestie, Laeta, while dropping off some hand me downs this week. It was so nice to see her and give her mommy a hug. Laeta was far more “chatty” than I remember. It was darling and made me miss her for Maya. Laeta is growing up to be such a beautiful little girl and now she has a beautiful head of long dark hair. It’s weird, but I definitely notice three year old girls’ hair way more now that my little girl’s hair is falling out (or supposed to be). I just feel like their baby hair blooms to little girl hair so quickly! Maya never had all that much hair – certainly not like some babies I know (even Lincoln has way more hair than she did at 15 months). But I do know Maya’s was getting more thick and darkening just 3 months ago. Perhaps this extra three year old hair growth has counter acted the loss for a time. I do get an ever so slight ting of sadness when I think of the fact that I won’t ever know what Maya’s hair WOULD look like if it had the opportunity to make a full bloom. At least not when she’s three.
Hair is so superficial when it comes down to importance. Maya will accept her new look of “no hair don’t care” with ease. I know she will. I know everyone will still love her when they see her. She will still get snuggles from her family and friends as if she was normal and since Lincoln will witness the change, he’ll accept her no matter what. Her friends might need some time to adjust but they will accept her again too. Even strangers will try to hold their gaze (and likely their tongue) when they see the iconic bald little girl. Maya has very little invested in her personal image at this point. She isn’t the terminal teenage girl who is losing control of every part of her mind, body, spirit. Having experienced the observation of such a loss…this is easier for me to accept personally.
Motherly assessment: the dragon is flying. She is capable of anything if only her mommy and daddy could LET IT GO! Not knowing her lab values is probably contributing to some hypertension but…this too shall pass…doesn’t it? This week is just a usual week in the Morrison home. I’m working a few days and Scotty is doing what he does best…rocking it some how.
The picture of Maya in the purple dragon cape is of her holding her new back yard buddy the Rolly Polly named “Attitude”. This child.
We can’t imagine what this journey would look like without all of the support we have. Please know that there have times when I have actually felt your prayers, thoughts, light, and love…and I have truly needed them. Thank You.
Love is Life.