Maya has continued her return to her feisty self. And as much as it has reminded us that she is naturally a stinker (actually another “s” word comes to mind), the challenge has been awesome. I love that I get to do a little more discipline than tip toeing these days. We have to be careful in that sometimes her behavior can be because she isn’t feeling well but lately, we can mostly count on her case of the “being three”. Re-setting some boundaries has been necessary. I really do wish she looked more herself though. I find myself looking at pictures of the past just trying to “see” her again. I know she’s in there but…sometimes seeing makes it easier to believe.

She has been tolerating her 6-MP pretty well and hasn’t really complained of nausea. She has had a couple of headaches and the last few nights her temp has been a little higher than we like. If her temp (under the arm) is 100 dF, we have to call the clinic. If it is 100.4…we are probably heading into the hospital. So far she hasn’t gotten over 99.9. But dang.

We enjoyed a wonderful Easter with both my parents and Scott’s. Homemade fresh pasta and sauce. Maya was the sous chef and such a busy bee. We also found her tap shoes again. Oh boy. We might have to trade em in! She is growing so fast.

Scott and I are holding up. To be honest, I’m not sure how to answer the very simple “how are you?”. Good? I think I’m good. I feel okay. Sleep has never really been “a thing” in our house since Maya was born so sleep deprivation isn’t all that foreign and shouldn’t alter my well being now right? Stress is usually more under control though. I miss dancing. So badly I miss it. Even just once a week. I stretch my body when I find quiet moments but I miss loud music and strong movement. My soul aches for it. I look forward to teaching ballet again and maybe even taking class. I’m just so hesitant on going to the studio in fear of bringing home a bug. It breaks my heart. I really feel like I need it. Apparently our dance parties to Let it Go has not satisfied my need.

My two best friends came today. It was great. I think it surprised me that instead of sitting in the playroom with them, chatting, and catching up…I went to take a shower. It is definitely not typical of me. I don’t know if it is any indication of how long it has been since I last showered, or if my pony tail has been way too tight but I pulled out so much hair! My shower tile wall looked like it did when I was 5 months postpartum! I thought the whole “hair falling out and stress” was a wives tail. Oh boy. Something might need to change. I guess more showers? …okay maybe stress relief too.

I know this is a marathon. I know the time line. I know the outline of what is to come. I know all sorts of things. I know it’s a long distance race. My problem is…I’m not a runner. I’m a dancer. This means a lot of things but one is that my usual way or coping with stress and recovery needs to adapt. As a dancer, my life has been: go go go, slow, melt, hold, jump, higher higher higher !, go faster, stop. Breathe. Repeat. This goes for growing up competing or even recitals (quick changes and multiple numbers) to working as a professional dancer (booking gig after gig and then going 2 months with nothing). I’m used to going full out 150% for a 5 minute piece. I will give everything I have while surfing the music and leaving my soul on the floor. Then I take a breath. I relax. I recover. I think about what’s next.

Now, this dancer needs to learn to run. And find a pace. Anyone who truly knows me knows… an even pace is not natural. It’s uncomfortable for me.

But I need to. For my well being. And I will.

If only I was a dragon. If I were a dragon, I could fly. I could find a beautiful pace. Up and down, up and down. As a dragon, I would feel comfortable in an even pace. I would need it. If only I were a dragon. Like Maya.

She’s good. She’s doing so good. She is such a strong, paced, dragon. And I know I will learn so much from her.

Love is Life.