And Then There Were Five

I just gave Maya her 6th to last dose of oral chemotherapy. 5 more doses as of tonight. I don’t think I am really able to communicate my feelings. I’m happy. I’m scared…like terrified. I’m relieved. I’m sorrowful. I’m skittish. I’m trying to figure all of this out still. 799 days it will have been. But I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact my daughter had cancer. She was 3. I mean really….she was 3. How on earth does this happen? But “its so rare”. Yet, here we are.

When people ask me if I’m “so excited”?…all I can say is…”I think so”. I guess I am. It mostly feels like we are about to jump off a gigantic cliff into the darkness. So, I suppose I’m as excited to do this as I would be to…Oh I don’t know, jump off a gigantic cliff into the darkness?

Sometimes I feel bad for not feeling more optimistic. I feel like that is my job. Like I’m supposed to be that person who is so happy and excited and optimistic and feel like this is the most amazing feat we have ever over come and gosh darn it, we are golden. But I don’t. When the “impossible” hits your world…twice…it doesn’t feel secure to just move on. When we lost April, I was a teenager. It was, in all honesty, the worst thing I could imagine going through. Even worse than my daughters diagnosis (well…once I knew it was treatable). I lost my best friend. My sister. My soul mate. My person. And I was 15. I mean really….what else could be as dramatic. No one could write that story. No one makes that shit up. Not even me. I watched her die. It was more painful than any therapist could work me though. At least at that point. So when twenty years later my 3 year old daughter is diagnosed with cancer….what am I supposed to hold on to? The Gods? The God? Mother Earth? Science? Humans? Me? Her? Love? Yeah Love. That is the only thing that has been real for me in this life. Love.

In the last twenty years I have found so many friends, loves, and people to, not replace her, but to fill me with support. With love and light and hope. I have no idea how I have earned this honor but I feel it. I witness it and I honor all this support in a way I don’t think I can ever express. I am grateful and blessed. And I feel stronger because of you.

Well back to five more days. Maya has five more days of chemo. She will take her last dose this Saturday. We are excited to have Gramma Bella here with us and perhaps we will have some sort of festivities. She will still have to have an empty stomach until 9pm-ish on Saturday but Sunday…Sunday is a new day. And maybe we can even move Irene back in (she’s our 11 year old plumeria tree that has over taken Megan’s home because we haven’t been “allowed” house plants…and we miss her).

Moving on feel doable because of our friend Alicia Anzlec The Unicorn. Some of you might remember that she was diagnosed just the week before Maya. Her mother, Heather, and I have become great friends (thank you to my cousin Tami for introducing us!)….well only virtually but it is on my bucket list to hug that woman tight soon. Alicia took her last does of chemo on 4/12 this year. She is strong and calm and her family gives me hope that I can find and feel the joy once April 22nd comes.

Now that we are here…I want to make sure every one knows that we are having a party for Maya and for our warriors of Love in Carson City (in addition to our healing ceremony on Hanalei Bay on 6/24…i suppose flood pending – please send love to the islands as they as they struggle to tolerate all this moisture). Maya’s journey with chemotherapy ends on April 21st, 2018. This marks the end of a 799 day battle for this dragon, this family…and for you all. The strong love, light, prayers and all sorts of lift offered to us through these years is tangible and invaluable. We know this takes energy from those that offer it to us so PLEASE come and celebrate with us. And join us as we start to heal.

In addition to celebrating Maya’s end of treatment, we would like to celebrate our people. There just isn’t a big enough “thank you card” to truly express our gratitude. We have also decided to raise money for the Northern Nevada Children’s Cancer Foundation. NNCCF is more than just monetary support for families trudging through this mud. It is a safe place to visit, experiences for our kids when they are isolated (or not), mental health resources, advice and hugs. Great hugs.

Maya’s Aloha Chemo, Mainland is at Shoe Tree Brewery, here in Carson City, on May 26th from 11am to 5pm. We will have a bounce house, DJ, Food (non host), raffle, Corn Hole tournament (uhhh…Butler will you be the Ref?), maybe even some bell ringing, AND some incredible beer and beverages. The master minds of Shoe Tree Brewery are actually working on a special brew in honor of Maya The Dragon. Gotta come try!

The party is at 11am but a dear friend will be leading us through a healing ceremony prior to the party. There will also be an opportunity for some healing yoga that morning as well. Please get in touch with me personally if you are interested in the healing ceremony and/or the yoga. This will be very personal but any one who might need some healing is welcome to join. I will give out details for this.

Thank you for your continued support. I just don’t know how to thank everyone enough.